haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
