textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
