if you like me you must not know who I am
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
