Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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