My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
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