Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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