I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
