if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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