Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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