Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
