Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
