I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
