You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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