I need to stop coming to work sober
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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