sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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