dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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