Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
