when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
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Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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