I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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