Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
