My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
