if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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