I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
