i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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