I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a beard to bite.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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