Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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