Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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