I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize