I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
