i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It was like getting head from an anaconda
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How naked do you want me to be?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
