Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
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You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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