I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
