the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
