You just made me feel so damn special
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
