I wish they made helmets for livers.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
