You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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