Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Less talking, more tequila
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
