My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
