When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
