my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
