Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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