his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
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I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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