I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
