Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
