somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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