I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
