This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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