i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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