Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
