Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he fucked my hip out of place.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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