i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
