i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
