He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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