Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
